Recipes for Living Kathy Kooiker

On May 3, 2003, Kathy was a speaker at the Child Care Provider Appreciation Luncheon and her delightful presentation follows:

Welcome Day Care Providers! First, I want to thank you for the excellent job you are doing. America has changed greatly from my mom's generation to mine. I don't think I ever heard of a day care center when I was a child. Most moms stayed at home and cared for their own children, without the help of rules and regulations, without psychiatrists and psychologists advising them, without the internet for ideas.

I grew up in a family of ten children, so we were a day care center of our own. I was a great kid, obedient to the end, although sickly in my younger days, and a real pain for my older sister, Patty, whose job it often was to look out for me.

Patty was cool from toddler-hood. I was not. From my babyhood to my teen years, I was a complete embarrassment to Pat. She had been the first child, spoiled by grandparents on both sides. My arrival changed her life, and she was not happy about that. She had to be the big sister, a job she never signed up for or wanted.

When I was three and she was five, she was assigned to take me trick-or-treating with her. I always had a cold and a runny nose, and when we rang one doorbell and were given candy, I asked the hostess if she might have some Kleenex I could take along. She explained they all had colds in their house and were out of Kleenex. Being the resourceful toddler I was, I requested some toilet paper as an alternative. This was more than Patty could take! She marched me home, deposited me with mom and dad and said she would never take me anywhere again and that she was going to her room, too embarrassed to continue trick or treating after the toilet paper incident!

When I was five, I was thrilled to be old enough to ride the bus to school. We had a wonderful old bus driver named Scotty, who I remember lovingly to this day. He made the bus ride fun - we sang Beatles songs, he always had decorations for every holiday for us to hang up on the way to school - Easter, Christmas, St. Paddy's Day, Thanksgiving. The only problem is that I was car sick every time I rode in a car or bus, so Mom would pack me up with my lunch bag and barf-bag and send me happily off to school. Imagine how proud Pat was of our daily commute!

In the 1960s Patty was always in fashion. Getting all ten of us ready for church every Sunday morning was quite a chore for my mom and the clothes she chose for the rest of us were mortifying to Patty. I should say my family has a great sense of humor, and Pat's drama did not affect the rest of us in the least. One Sunday morning as I sat next to her in my plaid skirt and white knee socks, Patty sat through the whole mass with her arms crossed in anger. After mass my mom asked her why the long face. She was mortified - white socks were out of style and she was sure everyone in the church left talking about "Patty Braun's sister wearing white socks." We all thought this rather amusing and left church in a group chanting our new rap "Patty
Braun’s sister wears white socks!"

In today's world of parenting and child care, my mother would be lost. Raising kids was done in those days with tough love, before anyone called it tough love. In a family of 12 everything was done army style, which made sense because whenever we all went somewhere; it looked much like an army invasion.

This was before the days of minivans, and when my parents shopped for a car it was not safety issues or gas mileage or a VCR on board that drew them in. It was the station wagon that could hold the most that made the sale. We were so used to people on the roads in other cars trying to count how many of us there were, that we kept a cardboard sign in the back seat with "10 kids" written on it to hold up for them - certainly avoiding many accidents and saving the lives of motorists surrounding us. There were no car seats for babies, and seat belts did not work well when you were trying to put five kids across a bench seat made for three. It's amazing we are all still alive. I can remember a big reward for good behavior was that you got to be the kid
that stood on "the bump," that raised section behind the front seat that you could stand on and see out the front window, making you a perfect projectile in any accident!

My mother was not one to let child psychologists tell her how to raise kids. I did not really realize the contrast in her parenting and the parenting styles of today until my first child, Susie, began attending Clarke Elementary. She came home one day and explained to us that if she had trouble with someone at school, she was to use the "I message." You have heard about that, haven't you?

It goes something like this - if a person calls you nasty names, you say to that person, "I feel sad when you call me nasty names." The child is to feel so remorseful at that point that they will apologize - I suppose saying, "I did not realize that it made you feel bad or I never would have called you a nasty name. I am truly sorry."

Now, that would not have worked in our house. That "I message" would have encouraged the wrongdoer (in our house usually Patty) to continue calling the victim (usually me, who cried if you looked at me wrong) the nasty names, bringing the other person continued grief.

My mother had her own eye message for those situations, "Stop teasing your sister or I will come in there and handle it." We never really knew what she would do, but the threat lasted a good 20 years, long enough to raise each of us to be on our own.

My dad had his own messages that put the fear of God in us. Since he was at work every day, he did not have to handle much discipline at home, but he was really good at it in the car. We all loved riding in the car, which usually involved group singing, but if there was any dissent, my dad would say, "Don't make me stop this car." And we wouldn't. I don't know what would have happened if he ever did stop, but none of us was brave enough to find out!

Yesterday, I got on the internet in preparing this speech to see what kind of advice is out there for day care providers and parents, and it was interesting to see how different it was than my mother's way of doing things. Now, I am not saying I would use her methods, nor should you if you don't want to be arrested, but they were interesting!

I found an article with some "child compliance techniques" that sound really good, but here is how these situations compare to my mother's take:

1. Stay positive. Notice and describe what your child is doing correctly at that moment. Then make a request or guide her on to the next activity. This approach gives the child credit for what she's already accomplished. Then, like magic, the child will most likely comply with the next request. My mother's take: (Otherwise called, "Don't try this at home.") If you don't listen to me, I am positive you will be sorry.

2. Use Proximity Control. When you make a request move toward the child and touch him gently. Somehow your closeness has a way of almost guaranteeing your child will comply. You are right there ready to back up your words with an action. My mother's take: Take two steps toward the offending child and they will be overtaken by fear, discontinuing their behavior. (Of course a very angry face that looks like your head is about to explode adds to the drama of the moment!)

Redirect your child. Steer your child away from bad behavior toward acceptable behavior. If your child is touching something he's not supposed to touch, show him what he can touch. If your child is jumping on the sofa, show her where she can jump. Mom had an old belt of Dad's with the buckle removed and it sat on top of the refrigerator. If she heard something going on in the playroom that was not supposed to be going on, she snapped that belt in a way that made everyone jump. That immediately redirected our behavior!

4. Take away disruptive objects. If your child is coloring on the wall, remove the crayons. At another time, demonstrate how and where to use crayons properly. This was not a problem, since we had to have permission for just about anything. This one did befuddle my dad once, though, on the occasion of our first remote control color TV. In those days the remote actually emitted apinging sound to change channels or volume, and Dad was the only one who could touch the remote. Well, one night the channel changed in the middle of a program he had on, and all of us jumped to attention as he inquired, ((Who touched the remote?" in much the same tone as the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk's "Fee Fi Fo Fum" speech. As we all denied being the evildoer, the channel changed again, upsetting him greatly and causing fear to fill the room. We soon realized that Patty's chain belt, worn so fashionably around her hips, emitted the same tone as the channel changer when she moved. And soon this fashion statement was removed and hung in her closet, only to be worn outside the house!

5. Be your child's self-control. If you want your toddler to get down from the dining room table, say, "I'm not going to allow you to stand on the table. Do you want to get down yourself or do you want me to help you?" You provide the control your child lacks, and in time it transfers from you to your child. Mom had a gate that separated the playroom (with its attached bathroom) from the rest of the house. Even when we were old enough to climb over it, we didn't dare. That room was pretty safe so she did not have to worry about us climbing on the dining room table. Not wanting to invite the "don't make me come in there" speech, we provided our own self control.

In the summer, the five oldest rotated "kitchen duty." Mine was Tuesday. Kitchen duty pretty much meant you stayed in the kitchen all day. You cooked breakfast, fixed lunch and supper, did all the dishes, and swept and mopped the floor after the evening meal. It was a good way to learn responsibility, and I think all day care providers and parents should use some kind of similar system in raising responsible children.

In conclusion, there is probably a happy medium between my parents' way of raising children and the politically correct methods encouraged today. Children have to be responsible for their actions so they grow up to be adults who are responsible for their actions. On my wall hangs the following plaque which I think is a mix of the two.

Thanks for all you do for the children of Clarke County. Don't forget to find the humor in your everyday situations and enjoy the children - they are little for such a short time but the influence you have will last forever.

Hanging in my kitchen:

HOUSE RULES

If you open it, close it
If you turn it on, turn it off
If you drop it, pick it up
If you get it out, put it back
If you break it, repair it
If you can't fix it, call someone who can
If you borrow it, return it
If you use it, take care of it
If you make a mess, clean it up
If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone
If it hurts, comfort it
If it cries... love it!

(To corroborate Kathy's statement that she finds herself going five ways at once, it was five months after the above presentation before she was able to schedule a time to fill in the details.)

My early years were spent in Long Island, New York. I was the second oldest of the 10 children in our family. Our mother was Irish Catholic, our father German Protestant. In most communities, mixed marriages are regarded as those between races, but because in that area ethnicity was a factor, a mixed marriage was between Irish and German. I knew the family background of all our neighbors because of their loyalty to traditions as they celebrated weddings, baptisms, and funerals. Because our grandfather was also one of 10 children, we had many of each of those, all done with an ethnic flare. It was a great way to grow up.

All of that changed when I was nine years old and our father's work took the family to Bay City, Michigan. He was a metallurgical engineer for Wellman Dynamics, which had lots of defense work projects. Dad worked on space shuttle fuel lines and found an alloy, a combination of metals that would not melt under the heat of the take-off.

The move was an adjustment for our family, particularly our mother. Bay City was heavily Polish and we soon discovered that Polish events, particularly weddings, were different from those we had been accustomed to. There was Polish music, food, and dance, in which everyone took part. All the children knew how to dance. I loved it and still have dear friends whom I met there.

In 1972, when I was 15 and a high school sophomore, Wellman Dynamics moved to Creston, Iowa. It is the first plant to be seen when driving into Creston from the east on highway 34. This was a traumatic move for me. Here were families in which three or four generations lived in the same town. Most of the kids had known one another from kindergarten and before. It made fitting in difficult. However, I had a good high school experience, followed by two years at Southwestern Community College. My extra-curricular involvement there was in theater and I met my husband, John, through a production of "Harvey."

John had grown up in Louisville, Kentucky and his family moved to Cedar Rapids, Iowa when he was six or seven years old, and to Osceola when he was 15. Because his parents were here when we married, we decided to start here as well. We had a dream of buying an older house that needed repair, fix it up and sell it, take the money and go live in a sailboat on the ocean. We would have five children, even though we hadn't reckoned with the question of how we were going to feed them. We thought he could catch fish for food and I could sew sails for a living. Out of all that dreaming, we did buy an older house and fix it up, but we are still here because we really liked Osceola, and thought it was a good place to raise children.

When our New York relatives come to visit, they consider it like stepping back in time to the "old days." Maybe that is part of the charm. Granted it is slower paced. We have time to be kind. In the city, life moves too fast for people to say "hi," or take a minute to talk to somebody. Here lines are shorter at stop lights, the post office, and check out counters. It takes less time to get to where you are going. Unlike the city, in our town we park, walk to the theater, buy a ticket and go in. It wears on the patience to have to wait in line.

We had been married 3 1/2 years when Susie was born. She is now 22. I worked at Reynoldson Law Firm 4 1/2 years, and John worked as an electrician at Wellman Dynamics in Creston. I liked legal work but decided I wanted further education so I enrolled in Simpson. By taking night classes, I earned my degree in Criminal Justice and became a Clarke County Magistrate in 1983.

When we had our second child, Samantha, who is now 15, John decided to extend his education by attending school at night, and taking a job at General Mills during the day. John graduated in 2002 at age of 45, with a degree in Business Management. He beat his daughter, Susie, by one year. She was working on a double major in Spanish and International Business at Creighton University in Omaha, Nebraska. Samantha is a sophomore in high school, interested in Broadcast Journalism, so there has been and is lots of studying going on at our house.

It is probably natural, with John and me having met while we were involved in theater that Susie has grown up with performing on her mind. From the time she was a tiny toddler, she picked up anything even slightly resembling a microphone to talk or sing into it. When she was three years old, she began urging me to call television people to "see if they want me to come." To satisfy this desire, we took her to the Community Theater in Des Moines and let her start taking classes. She loved it! We then began exploring where companies find children to do modeling. We had different responses from different stores. Pamida ads are done in Texas, Richman Gordman in Omaha. Our purpose was to find a place close enough to make it feasible for Susie to do that kind of thing. We had some calls back and she began modeling at age three, and started TV commercials when she was five. She was on the cover of Better Homes and Garden with Santa in 1987. She did commercials for Hiland Potato Chips, Iowa Methodist Hospital, Prairie Meadows, Cedar Rapids Mercy Hospital, and has been in several different national catalogues including Current.

We drove to Chicago for auditions, and when Samantha came along, they asked, "Can we use the baby?" Her first appearance in a national catalogue was when she was eight months old, and she has been in advertisements for Farm Bureau Insurance, Valley West Mall, Pella Windows, and several others. She has enjoyed it very much. Both girls have been active in the Des Moines Playhouse.

Finally, John suggested that instead of running all over the Midwest, we do it here. Susie and Samatha had loved performing and performances. People like to see and be in live theater. The opportunity has been there for adults, but not for little children. In my own background, I began dancing in New York, and acting in theater at age five. It was my niche. Probably other children had the same personality and desire. Considering all that, we began the Osceola Children's Theater. John's offer was, "If you do the work, I'll build the sets." And that has been our arrangement for 17 years. Elementary age children are my choice. It has been the greatest way to be involved in the lives of children and give them an outlet that didn't exist before.

Volunteer work has always been a part of my life, and I find it very rewarding working with all different types of people. For more than ten years, I have been on the Iowa County Attorneys' Association Standard and Conduct Committee, which meets four times a year and reviews complaints made against Iowa County Attorneys or their assistants. I am a member of St. Bernard’s Catholic Church and have served in many volunteer capacities there; including director of religious education, church organist, choir member, and marriage preparation facilitator. All couples wanting to be married in the church go through a preparation program. My husband and I have been trained to administer it and have done so for the past 15 years.

I have found many ways to volunteer in the schools, and enjoy the interaction with young people. I have given speeches on social awareness, government, and driver's education classes. I enjoy giving the kids free reign to ask questions on whatever they need or want to talk about.

I feel very lucky in my life to have had the opportunity to do so many different things with so many different people. Everyone has a gift and there are so many people who can benefit from yours. It seems natural to say, "How can I help someone else?" No matter how difficult your own life seems at times, you can always look around and find someone in worse shape than you are, and focusing on others often puts your own problems in better perspective.

It is my conviction that children need to learn responsibility at an early age. It astonished me at one speech I was giving to upper elementary children that none in the group had any chores to do at home. I asked, "Who makes your bed, does the laundry in your house, cleans the bathrooms?" All answered they guessed their mom did. A two year old can learn to put away his toys after he is done playing with them. A preschooler can make a bed, maybe not perfectly, but the sense of accomplishment when they do it themselves is invaluable. In my opinion, if there are five people in your house, there should be five people contributing in whatever way they are capable.

As one of ten children, I was accustomed to my mother having charts on the refrigerator, and our chore schedules changed weekly. During the school year, we had weekly assignments like dusting the house, emptying the garbage pails, vacuuming, sweeping and mopping the floor, folding the laundry, etc. In the summer, the oldest five did those chores plus each had one weekday with full kitchen responsibilities - planning the menus, cooking breakfast, lunch, and supper for all twelve of us, washing all the dishes after every meal, and sweeping up that night. It gave my mom a break in the summer and made us all appreciate that during the school year she did those jobs seven days a week.

I have been a magistrate judge for Clarke County since 1983, and enjoy it very much. Clarke County has two magistrates and presently the other is Thomas Murphy. We cover the county twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. My present schedule has me working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday one week, and only Monday and Wednesday the next week. It is not unusual to be called out in the middle of the night, and we are at the jail once each day, including Saturdays and Sundays. We also may perform wedding ceremonies, issue search and arrest warrants, and commit people to treatment for substance abuse or mental impairment in cases of life endangerment.

Our family has had some great international opportunities. Susie has lived with families and attended school in Mexico and Costa Rica, and we have hosted seven or eight exchange students from Japan, Germany, and Panama in our home. In this way we have experienced a change of culture from both sides - being a host family and sending a child to live with another family. I am impressed by people who are bi-lingual, and see how Hispanic children often translate for their parents. This often happens at the courthouse.

In 2002 I began teaching English as a second language at Southwestern Community College. I have become acquainted with some of the immigrants who came to this country without knowing a word of English, causing me to wonder how well I would do moving to a foreign country in expressing my most basic needs. Each of these students has their own story, some of hardship, poverty, and victimization, but they are the new generation, the new immigrants, like our forefathers were. I have a student who came to the United States in October of 2002 not knowing a word of English, but he arrived in my class the morning after he got to Iowa and has never missed a session. A few days ago in class he told me, "Yesterday I went to HyVee and asked for a money order for $55, and got it!" That was a huge accomplishment, asking in English for what he needed and getting it! I hope that if I ever moved to another country, people would help me get through the adjustment until I could be on my own.

Many kids today have money in their pockets gained from working or just handed to them by their parents, but no responsibilities at home. A recent study showed kids with $25 per week in their pocket and too much time on their hands are more likely to get involved with drinking, smoking and illegal drug use. I learned from my childhood and have passed on to my children not to say, "I am so bored," at home. There are always tons of things they can help with at home. Giving your child lots of material possessions instead of letting them earn them could be a big mistake. I did not have a car until I was married, but allowed my girls to purchase their own with money they earned, and my husband and I cover their insurance until they finish college. Susie got a school permit at age 15 and had been saving money for awhile to buy her first car, which was $900. It was nothing fancy but was practical, inexpensive to drive, and got her through three years of college.

Samantha started saving money when she was ten, from babysitting, taking care of people's dogs and cats when they were out of town, and banking any money she got for her birthdays or holidays. She got her school permit this summer and was able to buy her first car with cash as well.

I paid $1,800 for my first car when I was married, and before then got around on foot or by bicycle and survived! Kids need to learn how to save - adults need to learn how to save. It is our job as parents to teach that. Children whose parents provide food, clothes, and shelter should be able to save at least half of any money they make so they will have it for college, car expenses, and maybe someday a home purchase.

In Osceola I was surprised by the teenage hobby of “riding around." There are so many better things to do with your time (plus I wonder about the wisdom of spending all that money on gas to go nowhere!). I am so impressed by all the things the Clarke Schools and local volunteers offer for students in this area. There are all kinds of clubs in the schools - speech club, art club, music clubs, chorus, Octagon Club, sports teams - whatever is of interest. There is Little League, soccer, swimming lessons, ball games to participate in or watch. There is community theater- it is amazing in a town this size how much is always going on.

I always seem to have more things to do than I have time to do them, but am unwilling to give up anything I am doing already! There was a time a few years ago when I decided I wanted to learn to play the guitar. John even bought me one for Christmas, and I put in a little time but still have not gotten around to learning playing it. Maybe some day if i find myself with extra time, I’ll try it again!